Saturday, 1 March 2014

Failure on the First - "It's Not Crumpets"

So, I’ve decided to start a new feature. Failure on the First. The truth behind this is, all of us make mistakes – it’s part of being human, it’s part of learning. I am definitely one of those people that will just GIVE THINGS A GO with NO FEAR OF FAILURE. And then things go wrong and I’m so mad at myself. Fail. But I do it every time, and sometimes I don’t fail. Then again, sometimes I do. So on the first of every month you will get to SAMPLE MY FAILURE. There will probably be fewer pictures on these posts – I don’t tend to document my failures all that well.

So, let us begin with the MOTHER OF ALL FAILURES. When something goes wrong in our house and I am super upset at being a failure of a housewife, Mr P will turn to me and say “well – it’s not crumpets”. This is why.


I love crumpets, I’m going to say that now. They make such a GREAT SNACK and they are quick and easy. But you know what cool people do? COOL PEOPLE HOME MAKE STUFF. Shop bought snacks are overpriced and not cool *righteous face* (don’t worry, that righteous smirk will be swiftly WIPED OFF MY FACE)

So I decided to make crumpets. I mean… how hard can it be. I found this recipe from Delia -I mean, she’s like the GODESS OF COOKING. How wrong can I go.

Ok, so it says complicated things like having a large heavy bottomed frying pan… pshaw. JUST A FRYING PAN WILL DO. So Mr P and I decided to do this as a LOVING TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE to BUILD OUR TINY TEAM OF TWO and try and make crumpets, in my tiny frying pan.

Failure isn’t the right word for this. There wasn’t a word for it. We tried – we made the mix, it looked GOOOD (well, a bit strange, but I think crumpet mix is supposed to look strange) followed the recipe exactly, it’s important when you’re baking. And the first ones… well… they didn’t crumpet. They didn’t even look a LITTLE BIT LIKE CRUMPET. They did not rise, there were no holes, they just came out like rubbery sorts of biscuits. BUT WE FIGURED WE’D GIVE THEM A GO ANYWAY.

I took one bite and spat it straight out into the sink. TMI? Disgusting? WELL SO WAS THE CRUMPET. Mr P actually swallowed a bite. He is a Man.

The best way I can describe the taste is…uh… yeast. Just yeast. Which whilst an important ingredient in baking… the taste of uncooked yeast is less than scrumptious.

BUT… undeterred I thought I’d try again – they tasted undercooked, maybe I hadn’t cooked it long enough. This time I cooked them virtually to the point of burning… and again, took a lovely mouthful of DELICIOUS YEASTYNESS. I’m lying. IT WAS FOUL.

I was all ready to give up at this point. I WAS DEFEATED BY CRUMPETS. But, Mr P was not. He wanted his crumpets.

He made ten failed attempts… TEN (I should add by this point we were literally crying with laughter… it may not have helped the cooking effort) and tried EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Mad man that he is. They were all nasty.

So we gave up… like sane people… oh wait no. THIS IS US. We decided the BEST THING TO DO, since there was NOTHING TO LOSE, was to pour the mix into a loaf tin and BAKE IT.

I honestly don’t know why. We had LOST THE PLOT by this point. Lost it.

Needless to say the crumpet-loaf was also pretty nasty and flopped into the bin in a very rubbery manner.

The moral of this story is twofold…

One: Shop bought crumpets are WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD. They are not expensive, and more than that… THEY ARE ACTUALLY NICE.

Two: However badly you think you might have done at something… remember this… it’s not crumpets.


Katy x
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  1. Such a sweet story! You and the hubs will have that memory forever!!! But that's something I'm familiar with, even living in the USA! You might remember I told you my daughter and I have 'besties' from England. When their family comes to visit, they bring one suitcase full of English goodness to us! Crumpets, chocolate, a cookie that I can't remember the name of, and (my favorite) Digestives! Oh, and those thickening granules, and OXOX (XOXO?) cubes. WAIT! HOB NOBS! Those are the cookies! So much yummy stuff there! Well THAT was probably TMI for you, but just know, I share your love of crumpets!!!! Dona

    1. You really made me laugh Dona - I can't imagine digestives as a special treat - they're what gets left in the end of a mix pack of biscuits because nobody likes them! And do you not have OXO cubes in America? I couldn't live without them! Still, if you're braver than me, you could always try making your own crumpets now (although I can't recommend it!)